Tuesday, September 12, 2006
so, I used to have this friend
One of my best friends, really. We were friends for years, starting back in Iowa City when we both worked at a menial data entry job. We both ended up in Portland years later. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. At that point I was her oldest friend, having let other long-lasting friendships fall by the wayside (talk about a red flag). It's probably close to 4 years since we've spoken. She got cancer and at the time I let that be her excuse for pulling away. But since then I've had to accept that she seemed to have plenty of time and energy for other friends in her life. I've tried to apply a meditative view that friendships evolve and change over time, and that's fine for the most part. But there are still times that the way she handled things really hurt. She's in Tucson now, moved there without saying goodbye to me, then acted appalled when I shared how much that hurt me. Thanks to the magic of google, I know she and her boyfriend/fiance/maybe husband for all I know own a dog daycare and he is in a new band called Quincy.
Back in the day in Iowa City, she desperately wanted me to see the movie Breaking the Waves. It's supposedly a beautiful movie. I didn't have premium cable at the time so I asked her to tape it for me (for you youngsters, this was before the time of Tivo). The first time, she screwed up the timer. The second time, we think her dog stepped on the remote and screwed up the timer. And so on. It became an exercise in hilarity. Finally I just rented the damn thing. Wouldn't you know it the video store copy (yes, kids, also before DVDs) was snowy and fuzzy and basically ruined.
Now, thanks to the wonder that is Netflix I finally took it upon myself to see the movie. Guess what, I couldn't do it. I got perhaps 15 minutes in. I guess my former friend has ruined for me what is supposed to be a wonderful movie. But, maybe if one of you hasn't heard of it and now sees it and enjoys it, maybe that's enough of a pay it forward.
Back in the day in Iowa City, she desperately wanted me to see the movie Breaking the Waves. It's supposedly a beautiful movie. I didn't have premium cable at the time so I asked her to tape it for me (for you youngsters, this was before the time of Tivo). The first time, she screwed up the timer. The second time, we think her dog stepped on the remote and screwed up the timer. And so on. It became an exercise in hilarity. Finally I just rented the damn thing. Wouldn't you know it the video store copy (yes, kids, also before DVDs) was snowy and fuzzy and basically ruined.
Now, thanks to the wonder that is Netflix I finally took it upon myself to see the movie. Guess what, I couldn't do it. I got perhaps 15 minutes in. I guess my former friend has ruined for me what is supposed to be a wonderful movie. But, maybe if one of you hasn't heard of it and now sees it and enjoys it, maybe that's enough of a pay it forward.
// posted by Candace @ 9:47 PM 
Comments:
<< Home
Best friends, ugh. I lost my best friend of nearly 5 years recently (well, last December - it still feels like yesterday). And damn Google! (Curses!) It used to be so much easier to lose a friend before you could look up what they were up to...
Anyway, there's no good way to lose a best friend. Mine showed all the signs of being a narcissistic personality but I kept on being there for him, even as my partner told me he didn't care for how he treated me: I was his friend, of course I didn't expect him to be perfect!
But there's a difference between accepting a friend's flaws and being at the butt-end of those flaws. Naturally, the day I objected is the day it was all over.
The icing on the cake was being called a psychopath by him when I contacted him some time after it was over. I had produced his CD and received a heads up I was on the credits as 'additional production' (like all I did was get his coffee or something!) rather than Producer. Sometimes I think I should have left well enough alone, but I didn't want my name on the album if my work wasn't properly attributed.
Someone who hurts and doesn't care to leave on good terms isn't someone you need to have as a friend, so why do we care so much?
A good friend - heck, a good person! - would have wanted to address your concerns, not express how appalled she was that you had any.
I got fired once from a job and was told I was no longer a good fit in their 'corporate environment.' Of course I was devastated, you never want to hear that you DON'T. FIT. IN.
But then a friend of mine told me I should take it as a compliment.
For me, the fact that I didn't fit into Jimmy's life is something I should be taking as a compliment. It says good things about me (and - yay! - not very good things about him.)
I hope someday you can feel the same way about your former best friend. For anyone who knows you knows your value in this world and friend or not would never let you walk away with the hurt feelings she left with you.
kd
Post a Comment
Anyway, there's no good way to lose a best friend. Mine showed all the signs of being a narcissistic personality but I kept on being there for him, even as my partner told me he didn't care for how he treated me: I was his friend, of course I didn't expect him to be perfect!
But there's a difference between accepting a friend's flaws and being at the butt-end of those flaws. Naturally, the day I objected is the day it was all over.
The icing on the cake was being called a psychopath by him when I contacted him some time after it was over. I had produced his CD and received a heads up I was on the credits as 'additional production' (like all I did was get his coffee or something!) rather than Producer. Sometimes I think I should have left well enough alone, but I didn't want my name on the album if my work wasn't properly attributed.
Someone who hurts and doesn't care to leave on good terms isn't someone you need to have as a friend, so why do we care so much?
A good friend - heck, a good person! - would have wanted to address your concerns, not express how appalled she was that you had any.
I got fired once from a job and was told I was no longer a good fit in their 'corporate environment.' Of course I was devastated, you never want to hear that you DON'T. FIT. IN.
But then a friend of mine told me I should take it as a compliment.
For me, the fact that I didn't fit into Jimmy's life is something I should be taking as a compliment. It says good things about me (and - yay! - not very good things about him.)
I hope someday you can feel the same way about your former best friend. For anyone who knows you knows your value in this world and friend or not would never let you walk away with the hurt feelings she left with you.
kd
# posted by 
: 11:32 AM
: 11:32 AM 
<< Home
